I wish to tell a story; the story of the greatest band who ever graced this earth for it was 40 years ago today that Dingo, Phil, John and George (now Georgina) formed a band that would change the very face of contemporary music. Ladies and Gentlemen, les Madames et Monsieurs, Damen und Herren, Hoes and Playas I give you the story of...

...THE BEEFTAILS

Our story begins in that ambiguous summer of 1959 when two 18 year old teenagers from Milton Keynes met at the local tree. There names were Philip Horatio McKrakin (a cheese-stirrer's apprentice and part time flea circus ringmaster) and John Vladimir Ilyich Lenin (son of the local communist party rep. [hence the name]). Discovering that they both had an interest in music, they hastily formed The Rebates, a two man set with Phil playing the spoons and John on recorder. This first, and might I add last, attempt at fusing cha-cha and morris dancing failed miserably. The world of the period was simply not ready for their savage new sound (well, that's what they claimed anyhoo) and their first gig - at a 2 year old's birthday party, saw the young geniiiiiiii (NB TO PUBLISHER: what the fuck is the plural of genius) pelted with gherkins and rusks. The time to choose a different musical path had dawned.

Phil and John's first decisive decision was to swap their spoons and recorder for two guitars - an instrument both were highly talented at so why the duo started off playing publicly with spoons and a recorder is a question still pondered by millions of Beeftail fans today (though not for very long and certainly not when these people have something better to do, like vomiting for example). Their next move was to get a drummer. They found the perfect man in Dingo Fat'wa-a shelf stacker down at Abdul's cash and carry who used to beat two frozen breadsticks highly rhythmically against the heads of his enemies. The Rebates as a trio concentrated more on the rock and roll side of music but something was missing-bass. That came in the form of a bass playing pair of Siamese twins who had just escaped from the circus - George Ariston and Egbert Ariston - the infamous fifth Beeftail. This new set required a new name and that honour fell to Dingo who happened to mention to the rest of the band that he was using a laxative called Beftail 2,4-Nitrobenzoylsodiumphenolhemparate. The others loved the name but feared it may not be catchy enough so it was shortened to Beftail (It is quite amazing to think that if these four visionaries had not lived in Milton Keynes-a town so devoid of life that watching paint dry is the preferred option to going out on the town - that, on that night, they may have had something interesting to talk about and would not have relied on Dingo's laxative for conversation and hence the name of the band).

Now armed with a name the long-lasting song writing partnership of Phil and John produced three songs in three months - "Funny Money", "Why Can't You Love A Man With Half A Nose?" and "Shake, Shake, Shake". They began playing in the club and pub of Milton Keynes where they swiftly built up a reputation and soon had the whole of Milton Keynes swinging (as I mentioned before there isn't much to do in Milton Keynes). It was at the imaginatively titled The Club club where the Beftails met their manager Dave Einstein-a part time alcoholic and rapper - who claimed that it was he who was the first rap artist and that he was related to the physicist Albert, the latter statement is true unlike the first and is an example of how intelligence can be so cruelly monopolised in a family. In his first act as manager he changed the name because he felt it needed something. Phil recalled the incident in an interview on Memphis public access TV in 1970, "We'd had a few that night after the gig and Dave was looking perplexed for most of the drinking session. Then, all of a sudden, he looked at us and then at the ceiling and shouted 'From this day forth you will be known as The Beftails with an e.' Unfortunately for Dave, he was quite a tall fella and he was sitting directly under the light bulb...that's why you never saw him with a right eyebrow. Mind you, still quite poetic that he had an idea like that with a light bulb over his head. The idea to stand up wasn't as good though!".

In an effort to expand the band's fan base Dave took them to Luxembourg where they played at the now infamous Salami Club situated in the country's red light district. Immediately they were a hit and were so popular that they could get a 50% discount with the local prostitutes. John was the only Beeftail to take full advantage of this offer... or that's what Phil, George, Egbert and Dingo said anyway. However, behind all this success there was a growing tension between the two Siamese twins who were joined at the penis. Both were fed up of looking at each other and at not being able to get their end away as there was no end to speak of. In a desperate attempt to be separated they employed the services of a local back street doctor who, unfortunately due to his short-sightedness, made the incision too close to Egbert leaving him without and George with all. For Egbert that was the last straw and he quit the band to become a eunuch for an Arab sultan. The Beeftails were reduced to four.

After the untimely departure of Egbert, Dave thought it best to bring The Beeftails to London where they played for every record producer in the city. Surprisingly, no one recognised their talent but lady luck was to lend them a hand. BBC radio had recently employed a wild new DJ-Algernon 'shooby doo doowop dee do crazy nights' Harrington-Smythe-his gimmick being to smash the worst record of the day before playing the chosen record of the day. Fortunately for The Beeftails, the day their record was to be consigned to a mosaic, a pigeon flew in to the studio. In the confusion, The Beeftail's 'Shake, Shake, Shake' was aired whilst Elvis' 'Burgers and Coke' was left in pieces. That mistake was to change the face of Rock 'n' Roll forever!

The band's success was phenomenal! They signed to the PHLEGMI label in January 1961 and soon they were playing to packed out venues all across London. The Queen was also a fan and rumour has it that she sports a tattoo of Dingo,her favourite Beeftail, on her left buttock cheek though this rumour has never been proved (not even by Prince Philip).At a time when the Americans dominated the charts the British now had their own musical ambassadors who, in the next four years, belched out No.1 hits like 'She Loathes You', 'Three Days A Month' and 'Hairless Mama'.

As demand for them grew a film producer Steven Spoolbogie approached them with a script. Seven days later that script had become The Beeftail's first film "A Hard Day's Fight". Made on a shoestring budget the critics initially slated the film, denouncing it as 'pants'. After 40 years and with consideration of the band's achievements since then critics now have modified the originally harsh view of the film by describing it as 'utter pants'. Nevertheless, fans flocked to see the film and a second film was quickly released, this time with financial backing from Pinewood studios in England with the stipulation that at least three members of the 'Carry On' team were included. This production entitled "Squelch", which also spawned the single of the same name, became a huge box office hit though The Beeftails did not financially gain from the film as Dave was siphoning funds to Castro, however, this information was not leaked out until 1982 when a 90ft statue of The Beeftail's manager was erected in the middle of Havana with the inscription 'Muchos Gracias Por Les Poundos'.

In the light of the success of the film, The Beeftail's returned to their music where they enjoyed an unprecedented amount of fame and fortune. They were the first band to play stadium venues but the capacity crowd drowned the noise so much that half way through the gig Phil and George unplugged all the instruments and performed a rendition of George Formby favourites. Never have so many screamed for "When I'm Cleaning Windows" before that moment or since. This popularity, however, nearly came to an abrupt end when, in 1965,on a visit to the Vatican, Dingo let slip to the world media that they were bigger than the Pope. This statement was taken out of context and an international uproar reverberated in Christian sects throughout the world. Priests and bishops formed human barricades to prevent people from entering record stores to buy the band's albums, there were riots in the streets and strict penances were imposed on anybody who held on to their Beeftail album rather than see it burn. An example of such penance was to be force fed sheep dung until they renounced The Beeftails and all their works. Needless to say that under such pressure, many hardcore fans cracked! One week after the official outcry Dingo went on TV to explain that he meant no disrespect and was merely voicing his observation that the band members were a good six inches taller than God's representative on earth. Church leaders felt very silly....not for the first time either.

In the aftermath of such a scandal George, the son of a preacher man, turned his back on the church and embraced the euphoria offered by an Indian mystic - A.C.Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada - who was affectionately known as Bhakie Boy by the other members of the group. Writings such as "Chant Yourself Thin" and "Krsna's Love Of All (Except scientists)!" were enthusiastically absorbed by George as were numerous mind bending drugs. The rest of the band quickly followed and became devotees of Bhakie primarily because looking at one of the illustrations in a Bhakie book whilst off your tits on LSD and amphetamines was an opportunity not to be missed. George sent many letters to Bhakie asking to meet him and eventually the 75 year old yogi replied after being highly entertained by their 1966 album "Blubber Pole". Unfortunately for The Beeftails, this was response was to come at a great financial abyss for the band as they had spent all the money earned from Blubber Pole on gin and cucumbers. Bhakie's solution was that they should transport their spirit soul to India in order to meet him however, as George was to state in a later interview, "spiritual emancipation from a cage of flesh and bone don't half give you a headache." Unperturbed, the band settled on meeting Bhakie's rep. in the UK, the legendary Maharishi Bernahand Lambda who was to be the inspiration for the 1967 song "All You Need Is Lamb" - nearly the first song ever to be televised by satellite if it had not been for a mysterious saboteur who covered the whole studio in tin foil so the radio waves kept rebounding back. The culprit was later discovered to be some muppet called Paul Mcartknee or something like that anyway. The Maharishi offered priceless advice which was to alter the musical path of the four visionaries. John recalled such words while being interviewed on the toilet with his wife Ohno Ono in 1974, "We sat there, for like, half an hour in stoned silent meditation...then all of a sudden George asks 'What do we do now?'. The Maharishi just stared at George for about thirty seconds...lifted up his hands and then whispered 'Do better!'. I mean man it...it was like something had just hit us, we now knew what we had to do, we had to do better."

This is just what they did with their 1967 magnus opus "Major Pile's Uncomfy Sitdown Band". It's tracks, still revered by the youth of today, included "Major Pile's Uncomfy Sitdown Band", "When I'm Twenty-Four" and "Juicy Chicken Pie With Croutons" - a drug induced track inspired by a trip to the bakery. The album sold out as soon as it hit the streets ad was considered then, as it still is now, to be the best album ever excreted into this world. Continuing on this psychedelic trip, The Beeftails teamed up with a young Japanese artist and animator called Polo Ono in order to produce the animated film "The Pink Submarine". The script had been penned by John out of his experiences in the red light district of Luxembourg and concerned the exploits of The Beeftails in Fluxembourg - a land invaded by the sexually repressed Orange Tangies. Whilst working on the production, Polo introduced John to his sister, a concept artist named Ohno Ono. What her concept was is another question but it is thought to have involved extracted cellulite, three wooden chairs and a small Scandinavian wood carving. As John was quite pretentious himself the two hit it off immediately and married only three weeks after they met. Their marriage lasted until Lenin's death in December 1980. Unfortunately, "The Pink Submarine" did not prove as fruitful as many believed it to contain heavy sexual connotations. It was restricted to being broadcast in Amsterdam. Beeftail fans and perverts alike flocked to see it.

Fed up of the rock and roll scene, The Beeftails moved on to a highly experimental plateau, an idea suggested by Ohno. Phil reverted back to spoons and fused them with guitar sounds to invent the short lived 'spuitar' music, John fused the recorder with a leek to form a 'Lekorder' while George and Dingo fused together after experimenting with superglue. The result - The controversial "Mauve Album" labelled by Mick Jagger as a 'Bag 'o' Shite' and referred to by NME as 'a sack 'o' shite'. The album, however, sold rather worse than shite! There had been a growing tension between the band members for some time but it wasn't until now that the cracks were began to show. Phil, Dingo and George laid the blame for the poor sales on Ohno and John. Matters were only made worse when The Beeftails were asked to appear on the Rolling Stones rock 'n' roll circus. Interviewed in 1976, Phil, Dingo and George recalled the fiasco, "We were so fucking embarrassed. I mean..you..you had Eric Clapton on rhythm, Keith Richards on lead, Ginger Baker on drums and Lenin on bass - a fucking one fucking night only never to be repeated line up and who did John choose to have singing, or should I say wailing like an arsing banshee, only Ohno effing Ono. Roger Daltrey wanted to sing, Ray Davies wanted to sing, we wanted to fucking sing but oh no, Ohno had to............I mean there were fucking tomcats everywhere...she obviously gave out some sort of mating cry or something." The strain on the band only worsened when their 1968 album "Magical Mystery Tour" was prevented from being released by the lawyers of some shitty little scouse band called The Bottles or The Beagles, I mean, who really gives a toss. They had released an album of the same name one year earlier so the title of The Beeftail's version had to be changed. After much speculation "A Midget Called Miss Terrie Ford" came out to an eager audience who loved it. The Beeftails were back but not together as they once were. George quit for a brief spell in order to discover his inner feminine side, Ohno's grip on John tightened while John's grip on reality loosened. Dingo's drug habit worsened to the point at which he was injecting toothpaste into his veins for that early morning minty buzz, Phil, meanwhile, was angry because he could not make yet another film, this time based on their new album, as he found it hard to devise an intellectually challenging script on the adventures of a short woman from Croyden - the legendary Miss Terrie Ford.

Still the band managed to pull through to produce "Flabby Toad" which began with the track "Thumbs Together" - a hand position much favoured by Lenin. The rest of the album was an introspective look at the band from the viewpoint of an amoeba formed by Ohno. For Phil, Dingo and George this was the last straw and they put a contract on Ono's head. As she was still alive after six months the three decided enough was enough and confronted John. John was not keen on the idea of killing his wife so he threw a wobbler. Phil subsequently threw a wobbler as did Dingo and George. By the time they had all finished wobbling The Beeftails were no more. On April 1st 1969 the band announced there break up. There was surprisingly little sadness. The band then realised that announcing their split on April Fools was probably not the brightest idea they'd ever had and so repeated the announcement the following day. The world was in a state of shock and suicide rates in the US increased ten fold the proceeding Sunday - a day recorded in the history books as 'Lemming Sunday'. Global crime rates rose to an all time high in the following year and police authorities pleaded with the members to reform the band which they did. The 1970 "Let's Hit Me" was released on the proviso that the world stopped being so naughty. The world complied and The Beeftails performed for one last time on the roof of London's only opium den 'Smokies' on June 3rd after which The Beeftails went their separate ways.

The end of The Beeftails saw a new beginning for everybody involved with the band. Dave Einstein, the former Beeftails manager, emigrated to Holland where he managed a vibrant young band in the embryonic stage of their musical development-a situation similar to the one he faced when he first met The Beftails. This band was the unforgettable Golden Earring who dominated European charts throughout the 70's with hits like Radar Love, err...Thingy and...mmmmmmm......that song with the ..er..bloke off the telly. The latest offering from Golden Earring - "Kiss The Lovepump" - is released in July 2000 (from all good record stores).

Maharishi Bernahand Lambda changed his name to Bernard Lamb and turned his back on Krsna conscience in order to pursue a three year combined undergraduate and PhD course at Shifty Jim's School Of Applied Genetics. His two years was almost continuously spent under the influence of Psilocybe and Love Hearts - a potent hallucinogenic and a combination which, when mixed in the correct proportions,produces ecstasy. This heavy drug taking was actively encouraged at the academic establishment as it diverted the students from the mind numbing tedium experienced when you have to count the number of spores in an asci over and over and over again for two sodding years. With a choice of mind bending drugs and insanity, drugs proved more popular. A.C. Bhakie was less than pleased at his favourite devotees traitorous behaviour and denounced him at the yearly religious festival - Godstock - as "an irreverent, materially obsessed rascal". However, in private, A.C. Bhakie called him "Mr. Ploppy-plop-plop-stupid-head."

B. Lamb graduated in 1977 and is currently researching the long term effects of snorting Drosophila and Neurospora whilst confusing a whole new generation of geneticists at Imperial College, London. Dr. Lamb is kept under heavy sedation as he is prone to violent outbursts even though he continues to maintain the view that over thirty years of drug abuse has not affected him. Medical experts would disagree! As for the band members themselves, all went on to lead totally different lives.

Dingo's drug habit ran up debts with the Mafia, Russian Mafia, Triads and the NHS. Fearing for his life after a spliff exploded in his mouth, Dingo fled to Africa in 1971 where he formed a band of mercenaries comprising of ex-special forces soldiers from around the globe. They asked no questions and took no prisoners, amoral and without conscience they'd work for anyone if the price was right and the guns were big. Their story was later used as the basis for the hit TV show - "The A-Team". When Dingo came back to the UK in 1976 he had amounted enough money to pay all his debts but instead he killed all his enemies, his enemies families and his enemies friends but not their pets as he couldn't stand to see animal cruelty. Immediately afterwards he set up a software company as he predicted the growing need for computers. He now calls himself William Gates.

George Ariston remained in the music business but still struggled to resolve his sexuality. His 1971 solo Album - "All Solids Must Pass" - brought critical acclaim and a whopping great cheque. In 1972 he flew over to Saudi Arabia to see his estranged brother Egbert - a now highly respected eunuch in charge of forty harems, seven mosques and a small camel. By this time George wanted to become a woman but only part time so both George and Egbert agreed to share their penis on a three year rotation. As a result both men have spent the past 24 years on a psychiatric ward overlooking the Pembrokeshire coast.

Phil joined another band - "Wongs" - which was formed by three Chinese dissidents who opposed Mao's industrial revolution in the 60s.They had only a few hits such as "Mull Of Guangzhou" and even wrote the score for the 1971 Bond film "Lathe And Let Dye". However artistic differences within the group tore them apart and by 1973 Phil was out of work and disappeared off the face of the earth until 1986 where he was found naked, shivering and mute in a ditch somewhere in the pine forests of The Rockie mountains. Rumour has it that after the break up of Wongs, Phil joined an American shadow organisation which ran unbeknown to the President. It's function was to liase with visiting aliens and Phil ruthlessly assassinated and brown nosed his way up the zigarole lickety split until he was the head honcho. However, once at the top he became aware of two FBI agents, one of which was desperately trying to find his alien-abducted sister and the other was desperately trying to get away from her loser partner (to protect their identities we shall call them Mulder and Scully). Phil took pity on them when he saw Mulder's efforts blocked at every level by his (Phil's) subordinates and in 1983 arranged to furnish Mulder with the evidence he needed for the existence of extra-terrestrial life. Unfortunately, others in the shadow organisation heard of this and burnt the evidence before Mulder saw it. Also they punished Phil by having him abducted and taken to the planet Mozzeltoff where he became a children's TV presenter. The ordeal left him scarred for life and prone to bedwetting. In 1997 he released the album "Foaming Pea" which was OK but the vast majority of the public hoped it would be his last. In 1999 he released the album "Nun Dremmil Nun". The public were not as forgiving and after 18 attempts on his life after the album was released, an organisation was founded to campaign for Phil McKrakin to be put to sleep. So far, one third of the world's population are a members including eight of Phil's personal friends.

John was the only Beeftail to enjoy a long and fruitful solo career, amassing ten number ones and a plethora of international awards. His hit-"Envisage"-is synonymous with love, peace and racial tolerance and e has become a legend whose music inspires musicians to this very day. He was killed in December 1980 outside the Dakota building in New York when Dirk Doogler, a Lenin fan, shot John by accident with an SA80 (how he got the gun to work is a mystery).His intended target was John Lennon of the copycat band "The Beatles" who shamelessly mimicked The Beeftails in their years as a band and as solo artists. Dirk was angered by the mockery that was John Lennon and, being a bit of a mentalist, decided to waste him. On that fateful day Lennon emerged from the Dakota alone but John Lenin was across the street signing autographs, spotted Lennon and confronted him about his mimicking ways. Lennon not only copied Lenin's dress but had also undergone extensive plastic surgery so he could also look like Lenin. In the confusion Doogler shot the real Lenin in the head. Angered by how Lennon's imitation had led to the death of his idol, he shot Lennon in the chest fifteen times. Lennon's wife, Yoko Ono, came running to the scene (yes, Lennon even had to marry the cousin of Ohno Ono to copy Lenin) as did Ohno Ono and they both started wailing...or singing, eyewitnesses couldn't tell the difference. By this time a police T.W.A.T.T. (Tactics, Weapons And Terrorism Team) had arrived on the scene. Doogler threatened to kill the two Onos. Everybody cheered! Doogler's SA80 jammed (typical how things always break down when you need them the most) so a T.W.A.T.T. officer leant him his weapon. That didn't work either so he clubbed the two Onos to death instead. A supreme court judge sentenced Doogler to the gas chamber for the murder of Lennon and Lenin. He also awarded him the key to the city for humane termination of the two Onos (well, humane for the rest of the world at least).Eventually the judge settled for a six month sentence and a $30 fine.

I hope you have enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Well, to tell the truth, I hope you've enjoyed it more because it was a total arse to write and I may never write a single word again after this. No..seriously..I won't. Well......maybe but not for a good while, say two weeks or so...or is that too long, I can never tell.

PS: Remember, all you need is Lamb!

This piece of literary drivel is total, unadulterated BS. Similarity to any persons, living or dead-especially The Beatles, is totally and utterly unintentional. Yeah right, if you believe that, you're the type of person who'll believe I need all of your money to fund my life saving heart oper....oh yeah...errr...my heart, oww IT HURTS SOOO MUCH. C'mon send your money NOW before I snuff it. Oh...go on don't be a c*&^t.

© 2000, Anthony Li